Misadventures of a Single Black Latina-An Open letter to the Bitter Brians

Happy hour found us where most happy hours do- at the bar, laughing off stories of Cuffing Season Casualties and holiday party blunders. I noticed him through the corner of my eye and signaled to my friend.

‘Hey, remember that dude that asked me out the other week? He’s over there!’

“Oh yeeeaaahh….What ever happened to him?”

‘We went out once, he never called back, and I never pressed it. Oh look, he’s coming over!’

Apparently he was more than a little miffed that I had never called (despite the phone working both ways) because he walks right up…and proceeds to stand between us, back turned to me, in an attempt to engage my friend in conversation.

**blink, blink** ¿Que?

Ladies and gentlemen, what you have is a Bitter Brian.

He’s the guy that tells you he’s in “short supply”. The gentleman that tweets about “feminazis” and how they’ve ruined the “traditional” Black Woman. The dude who can’t stop complaining about both “Independent Women” AND “gold-diggers”. The man who got picked on in high school, got a few degrees, a house and a car, and now wants every woman to pay for it. The gem that scoffs at chivalry, but wants a wife that cooks and can tend a house.

This splash of water is for your face.

Listen, I get it. You’ve worked hard to accomplish what you have in life, and you want to be admired, desired- whatever it is you feel you deserve-just as much as you feel the average athlete/thug/dealer/alpha male/whatever you weren’t in grade school is. But what you don’t understand is-that was never what was attractive in the first place. Let me explain.

MYTH #1: Degrees+Career+”Success” is all I Need to Score!

I cannot TELL you how many times I have heard the phrase “go to any third-world country and I’d be treated like a king!! Y’all just don’t know what you have!!”

Miss me, please.

Love, attraction, compatibility, those all happen to all BE “first-world privileges”. If we were in a third-world country you would also likely have to get married to a woman you neither loved nor were attracted to in order to further your family’s social standing. Now, if that’s what you want, go ahead. But if you want the freedom to pick your mate based on frivolous things like, say…attraction or compatibility, than you are going to have to deal with your potential mate not picking you. Dems are the rules. Otherwise, just admit you do not like the fact that the women you pick aren’t picking you back. That is neither a third nor first world problem…it’s just your problem.

MYTH #2: Women Didn’t Want Me When I was a (broke/struggling/nerdy/student/ cos-player) so they Gotta Pay!

I have the wonderfully unique perspective that can only come from growing up both a late bloomer and an ugly duckling, and I’m here to tell you…you’re full of sh!t.

I sat alone at that lunch table for YEARS. “Women” weren’t ignoring you. The POPULAR women that EVERYONE wanted were. Every guy wanted the same twelve girls in high school and college. If you were in demand, wouldn’t YOU pick from the cream of the social crop? Of course she’d pick the athlete-teenagers are superficial a$$holes! YOU were JUST as superficial, because you only wanted the hottest, most popular girls and then you turned around and got mad they were “judging a book by its cover”.  You can’t be superficial and expect the object of your superficial interest to be deep. It’s not my responsibility as an adult to make you feel better about it…it’s just your problem.

MYTH #3: Women want to be the ‘Man’ in a Relationship, That’s why we got all These Problems!!

Super-quick, rattle off a list of famous women you find desirable in the “wife” category. Very likely you included names like Salma Hayek, FLOTUS, Beyonce, or even Kim Kardashian. You DO realize they all have their own self-made empires, correct? That they had BEFORE they met their respective husbands or husbands-to-be…right?

The economy has made it so woman can’t afford to wait for a husband to begin their lives. They have to go out and make it on their own, whether they want to or not. This independence is born from necessity, not some inherent need to take over all roles in the household. Trust me, when a woman finds a man worth deferring to…she will defer. The fact that women have run over you in your relationships is…you guessed it… just your problem.

Listen, I know you may think women want the “thug” or “athlete”, “rapper” or [insert some type of guy that you happen not to be] but the truth of the matter is the personality and mindset was what bred the results in all areas, and the women are attracted to their charisma. It is their charisma that got them their social status, their careers and yes, their women. Plucking random superficial accomplishments from the sky isn’t going to turn you into “that” guy-but developing your own personality will. Own whatever you are-someone loves the thick and nerdy and is waiting for you to stop acting like Jay’s apprentice. Take a sales course, or an improv course and work on being more quick-witted if you believe that is the ticket. Cultivate your hobbies-the ones that get you out of the house, please-and you’ll very soon bump into women that can’t get enough of it.  I’m not telling you this as a popular girl; I’m telling you this as an ugly duckling. Once I started looking like the girls the guys in college chased after I thought that was my ticket-only to find that once they got to know me a bit, they quickly moved on to a princess that knew her worth and expected them to pay for it in gold. That was the type of woman they wanted, and just because I looked the part didn’t mean I could successfully play it. I could have easily become a Bitter Betty, but it’s so much easier to just stay in my lane and play the hand I was dealt. There is nothing wrong with improving yourself and becoming the best “you” possible-but in the end, you can only be “you”. And it’s enough. I promise.

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3 thoughts on “Misadventures of a Single Black Latina-An Open letter to the Bitter Brians

  1. I can’t even lie…I used to be one of those bitter Brian’s back in the day and it was because of what you described in your post. I used to be checking for people who weren’t checking for me. One day I just did some self-reflecting and realized that if I want a specific kind of person I have to first become that person. So now I don’t have that problem because I know who I am and what I want. I try to drop some knowledge to those who ask for my opinion on the matter and I can confidently share with them my own personal experience. No more excuses. Great read Maris 🙂

  2. The part about a woman deferring when she finds a man worth deferring was insightful and refreshing at the same time. lol Take care Maris!

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